Moving Forward...

This blog has always been about my family.  I don't go in depth with a lot of things because I don't think people really care to read about negative things.  Who wants to be a Debbie Downer?  That being said, not everything happening in our lives is how we had imagined it to be.  Writing what I am about to write is therapeutic for me.  I knew at some point that I would want to write it all down, not as something I want to remember in a good way, but as a way to help me work through all my emotions.

Last month, I had a miscarriage.  I was 7 weeks along.  I came home from work one night and was making dinner for Mya.  I felt some cramping and started bleeding.  I didn't want to worry too much because I had a scare with Mya when we were 10 weeks along.  That bleeding stopped; it did not this time.  I placed a call into an on-call nurse and she said to come in the next day.  They did an ultrasound on me.  The ultrasound technician didn't say anything about what she saw while I was in there, which made me very nervous.  I had tried to prepare myself for what my doctor might tell me, however, this was the last thing I thought would happen.  I was an emotional wreck.  My doctor and nurse were fantastic and did their best to comfort me.  I just needed to get out of the clinic quickly.  Having to walk out of the exam room and see many pregnant women was more than I could handle.  I lost it once I got out to the car.  Greg took off work early to be home for me.  I was crying as he and Mya walked in the door.  Mya, bless her little heart, was worried about me being sad.  She gave me big hugs and kisses, rubbed my back and told me that she loved me.  Even though she had no clue what was going on, she understood how sad I was and she wanted me to feel better.

To say that I've been on an emotional roller coaster is an understatement.  The first couple weeks were very, very difficult.  I would cry every time I thought about it.  Things have gotten better, as it has been over a month now.  It still makes me very sad (I have tears in my eyes as I am writing this now), but there was nothing that could be done to prevent it.  I have to come to grips with that, otherwise I'll be perpetually sad.  I have had so many different feelings, ranging from anger to jealousy.  It's something that, I know, will get better with time.

People always say how "common" miscarriages are.  That may be true as a whole, but to me, a miscarriage is not "common."  I don't find any solace in knowing how many other women have had one, because I have not.  Therefore, it is not "common."

Since it happened, I've had to go into the clinic every week for blood work.  Going in was just more of a realization that this miscarriage really did happen.  I met with my doctor last week.  She gave me a description of my HCG levels from each blood draw, among other things.  My HCG levels are finally back to normal, so I don't need to go in anymore, thank goodness.

I find myself trying to keep busy more than ever before.  If I have pockets of time without something to do, I get down on myself.  I've been throwing myself into schoolwork and creating units for my class.  That keeps me busy and keeps my mind off other things.

I don't know what the future holds for us.  Plans that I thought we had are on hold for a bit.  All I know is that we are very blessed to have a happy and healthy Mya.  She has been the absolute best distraction for me.  She is my little buddy and helps me feel better in any situation.
So here I am...moving forward.